Greatest Quotes of Steven Wright

For those of you who have never seen or heard Steven Wright, this is a little educational bit for you.  For those of you like me who know and appreciate the greatest comedian alive as well as I, this is a collection of quotes from the man himself for you to add to your annals....

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?
I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her,
"Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different
colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by
thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you
know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on
two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got
a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I
was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front
of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I
might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to
New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and
smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus
on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile
= 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of
the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I
say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums. I like to go to art museums
and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been
done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.
My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides,
I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in
the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was
clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People
thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3."
They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they
should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part
you don't want to get dirty.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically. Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store
in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt
dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for
eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I
did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me
and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you got anything I
like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said,
"You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said,
"It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking
girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two
different languages.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with
wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get
lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the
box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it
disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I
had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close
friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called
me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on
it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My
calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think
so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She
said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and
somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go
like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another
ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I
bought the album.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy
who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...
Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to
fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit
a book mark and flew across the room.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me
are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of
the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.
They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate,
he said: "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over
and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I
never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of
my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was
torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you
wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the
bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I'll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said,
"right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and
yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park
it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times
for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my
car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave
a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...
Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire
trip... I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must
be really tired.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on
your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but
I think I can do it."

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali
print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an
Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within
three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks
carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened
the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you
get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into
picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars.
Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just
takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a
green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time
it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your
honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the
entire area was missing.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking
from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way
round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the
previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he
isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one
who poses for trophies.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The
whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through
New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all
your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25
dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own
money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand
dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway
except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really
wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her
I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an
expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went
down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My
mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. One night I walked
home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams
showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony
named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis
accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her
out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores
me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his
glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said,
"Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like
I'm an idiot."

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this
rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any
toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third;
I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until
he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd
tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing
here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my
mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other
and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He
said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said,
"Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said,
"Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money
to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would
appreciate it if you never called me again."

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw
my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the
problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I
said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is
Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a
Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on
the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl.
She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in
August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the
woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy
on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father
is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to
show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with
Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She
throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I
couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the
morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my
skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen
miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was
skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks
in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes,
I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We
went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me
and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten
years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was
in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell
me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said,
"I remember you."

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a
button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem
buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there,
winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it
certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast,
come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I washed mud, off of mud.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out
of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the
swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You
know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to
snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he
can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two
cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were
they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So,
I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I
wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3
for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost --
$50. If found, just keep it."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on
them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another
sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I
got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they
scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was
watching was better.